I’m not afraid anymore

For several months, there have been two things that I’ve been afraid of missing out on if leaders at church discovered the ‘real me’ and took away my temple recommend. I have wanted to go through an endowment session with the new film and I’ve been looking forward to attending my sister and brother in law’s temple sealing.

Today I got to do both and now I feel a freedom to be completely authentic. The things that matter most to me are mine to cherish. The church can’t take those from me. I’m not afraid anymore.

I went through an endowment session for the first time in over two years. I have long-loved the temple experience and the time living in China made attendance difficult.

The endowment I experienced today represented the positive changes the church is trying to make while also being limited in the extent it can evolve by its heritage and written texts.

The endowment session was bitter-sweet. It was bitter because the script was unchanged. Eve retains the same subservience and silence in later parts of the story as previous films. For my wonderfully independent and intelligent wife, daughter and mother this suddenly, perhaps for the first time, upset me. I choked up and wiped tears from my eyes a couple of times at the implicit message the endowment script gives to the women of the church. I hope that one day it is changed.

If the endowment were written today I don’t believe it would be included. Brigham Young once said, “When God speaks to the people, he does it in a manner to suit their circumstances and capacities… I will even venture to say that if the Book of Mormon were now to be re-written, in many instances it would materially differ from the present translation. According as people are willing to receive the things of God, so the heavens send forth their blessings.” There are still things taught in our church today that don’t “suit our circumstances” and are stuck in the past.

That’s the church’s challenge. We can’t simply throw our passed texts and leaders away wholesale. They are our origins and foundation. As much as I would welcome it, fast change would be too unsettling for too many people. My desire for change does not extend to the disregard for the spiritual welfare of my friends. Change, unfortunately, has to be slow, to be accepted.

But change is happening and visible. Today’s endowment session represented that and it was ‘sweet.’ One of the couples in the prayer circle was mixed race. Less than 60 years ago, the First Presidency would have called their marriage “repugnant” and against the Church doctrine. The session officiator, who at times represents God and a priesthood leader, was black. Only 36 years ago he wouldn’t have been in the temple at all.

Beyond the participants, the portrayal of Eve in the new film is perhaps a self-contained analogy of the church’s attempt to move forward and give women a more positive part in the church. With no change in her words, a different message was conveyed. Eve was an empowered and an active participant in choosing the elevation of mortality’s opportunities and progressing out of Eden’s limitations. More could have been changed, and I hope it will one day, to have put her on an equal footing to Adam. Baby steps will become giant leaps when we look with hindsight in the future.

Despite the appreciated evidence of change I also went with a desire to reach a resolution. As I sat through the endowment, and aware that I would see my sister sealed later in the day, I felt a deep peace. I have felt a growing disengagement with the church structural organisation and instead a desire to have a more meaningful connection with people I care about and with God. During the ordinance, I considered how the endowment is symbolically an upward trajectory.

In a 1977 devotional, Ezra Taft Benson lists the covenants made in the temple as: “the law of obedience and sacrifice, the law of the gospel, the law of chastity, and the law of consecration.” (As an aside: I actively disagree with the politics in the speech, but appreciate the open reference to temple covenants that are otherwise kept excessively secret).

I was speaking to a missionary earlier this week. He said that every lesson their president teaches revolves around obedience. I suggested that God was not really interested in obedient children and far more interested in optimal children. Obedience is a way of establishing good habits which, in turn, create strong character. Obedience isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. The same could be said in the temple. We start with obedience but progress towards accepting the law of consecration, even if we don’t currently live it, and in doing so commit to “building up the kingdom of God and establishing Zion on the earth” (see here and here).

During the endowment I felt a growing ability and willingness to serve the God I believe by serving other people. As an April 1993 New Era article taught, “…the temple reminds us of the person we ought to be.” I feel I am becoming the person God wants me to be. I also felt a genuine peace with the decision to not look to a human intermediary for finding ways to do that. I appreciate what religious leaders and thinkers can teach me, but I don’t want to be dependent on them. Ultimately, the endowment teaches that we can only follow the council of church leaders for a certain time. In the end, at the end, they make way and we commune directly with God, the best source of truth. The pamphlet, Preparing to enter the Holy Temple, suggests that as we progress “toward the veil” in the temple, we are “instructed and enlightened on matters of spiritual importance.” The endowment experience teaches that there are some things that we can only learn from communing directly with God and that answers are not available from other people. It teaches that we need to develop independence.

So where does that leave me? Or lead me? As I moved into the Celestial room I carried with me a resolution and sense of conclusion. For over two years I have described myself as: “unconcluded.” I realised that the endowment session had felt like a conclusion. President Monson was right when he said, in April 2011, “In this sacred sanctuary we will find peace; we will be renewed and fortified.”

I wanted to confirm and apply my conclusion before leaving. I found a chair in the corner of the room and, having spent two years “studying it out in my mind,” sought confirmation. The February 2014 Ensign suggests that, “Once we have studied an issue thoroughly—including the scriptures and the words of our leaders—we can then pray about our decision with confidence that the Lord will guide us.” Regarding this process Elder S. Dilworth Young said, in April 1976, “…according to his wisdom, his word will come into my mind through my thoughts, accompanied by a feeling… which cannot be described, but the nearest word we have is ‘burn’ or ‘burning.’ Accompanying this always is a feeling of peace.”

Sitting in the chair I offered up a prayer to seek this simple confirmation that my conclusion was acceptable to God. My conclusion may surprise, given the experience I’d just, had but is important to me.

As I prayed, the words came naturally, the culmination of hundreds, perhaps even hours of study and consideration. I felt complete peace and spiritual confirmation – a burning in the bosom – as I prayed and expressed the following:

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not the only true church, but it is a church that contains truth. It is not better than or more superior to other religions but is a good way of working towards greater godliness. Other religious expression is equally valid. The Church is not the kingdom of God on earth but gives us tools and teachings to become a part of the kingdom of God. It is not Zion, but helps us build Zion. It is not the church of the Lamb but is part of it and helps us be a follower of the Lamb… just as other churches also do.

There have been inspired prophets through the ages who are able to teach with clarity and inspiring words, despite seeing through a glass darkly. I consider Joseph Smith to have been one of them, despite his challenges and natural human limitations.

The leaders today are not teaching or talking “as if God were speaking.” They are well-meaning and often give good advice but their manner of receiving divine guidance is very similar to the inspiration received by the rest of the membership.

Obedience is not the ultimate objective. Becoming our very best selves and helping other become the same is a better one. I do not believe that what we eat and drink, what we wear, what money we pay, which meetings we go to really matter. I believe that what matters most is the way we treat each other. Compassion and charity matter most.

I also believe that all are equal in your eyes: Male and female, black and white, gay and straight, rich and poor, homeless and housed. Unity in and acceptance of diversity are godly virtues.

I recognise that being part of the Mormon community means certain behaviours are an expectation and help the individual be better involved the group. Compassion and consideration should also extend to my friends and acquaintances at church. I won’t actively impose my perspectives but will also be entirely genuine in my own views and beliefs. A balance of respect and authenticity is important. I want to build up, not break down.

This conclusion could lead me further from Mormonism as I work on a more meaningful spirituality. I have never sought to leave the church. That’s not the objective. I am happy to worship in this faith community and have enough friends to feel comfortable doing so. I am uplifted by many of the perspectives and experiences in the LDS faith. At the same time I’m not bound to it. My covenants are with you, God, not with the church. There may be times when a Sunday is better used for other forms of service and spiritual uplift with my family.

My personal spiritual development is not dependent on membership in an earthly organisation but on a willingness to continue pursuing the best and most positive course as it is unveiled to me. While it may result in less frequent attendance at LDS meetings, it isn't a forgone conclusion. I will go where I feel you want me to go.

For this reason, the church organisation and leaders can’t threaten or take anything of significance. If they now, or in future, choose to take my recommend and or even my membership then I would miss the worship experience found in Mormon holy places, but would still keep the things of most important to me. I retain and respect my commitments to you, to consecrate my time to the best ways to serve you by serving others. My home and family is the best place to start.

I don’t feel confused or deceived or misguided. I feel gently and genuinely guided.

I’m not afraid anymore.”

Throughout this prayer and thought process I felt a constant peace. I felt increasing internal light.

Several years ago I experienced a “stupor of thought” during prayer and wondered if I might feel the same mental block when praying about something that some Mormons might consider wrong without even needing to ask. Instead I felt clarity, not confusion.

While praying, I felt the same spiritual witness, or burning in the bosom, as I have felt at other significant times in my life. A prayer of a 10-year-old about the Book of Mormon in 1988, the plea for reconciliation with God and His approval on an Italian mountain top in 2011, the feeling of standing on holy ground in a Buddhist cave temple in Thailand in February 2013 and the change in prophet paradigm on a pagoda overlooking bamboo covered Chinese mountains in July 2013.

I feel complete peace with my conclusions. I feel concluded. I feel able to move on and carry on.

I’m at peace and I’m not afraid any more.